So...This is 30

Tomorrow, at approximately 10am I will have inhabited this earth for 30 years. Thirty is a milestone to be sure and when people hit milestones they like to look back at all of life's accomplishments and be thankful for the opportunities they've had thus far. I'm not going to be a total emo and say that I'm not thankful for anything in my life because it's simply not true. In fact, I've sucked the marrow of life many times and have relished in opportunity and friendship. But how did I get here? A Bachelor's and an MA later, and tomorrow, on my 30th year of life I'm still working a job that makes me work Thanksgiving. It's not the worst, and I'm being especially cathartic, but on the eve of my birth, I ponder back 10 years and realize that this is not where I wanted to be at 30.

Twenty is a big year--you have an entire decade to make it into somebody, create a family, and maybe--if your lucky--purchase your first home. I always knew I'd get married at a later age, but I fully expected that by the age of thirty I would have at least secured myself into an adult, serious relationship. I more than expected to be in a stable career with at least five years into a secured pension and 401K plan. Yet, here I am. Thirty. I've dreaded it. I have pushed back tears over it as I realize I have no career, no husband, and no 401k, but instead a lot of school debt, and no real promise of ever making into my chosen career.

Another ten years looms in front of me--will things be different in another decade when I sit down in front of a computer to blog the years that brought me to 40? I don't know. Time is fleeting, and I want to be more than I am, but the dreams of family, career success, and economic security scare me so much that I have silently pushed them from my mind and replaced those thoughts with constant forced feelings of appal towards commitment, children, and people who settle into careers.

So thirty is the new twenty you say? I guess I stand on the brink of another set of expectations--another set of hopefulness that will drive the days of the next decade. Tomorrow is always another day, and thirty just another year on this planet of my existance. Maybe thirty will be suprising, maybe in this next set of years I will get to leave the chair behind the computer screen and find real joy and purpose somwhere. And so...this is 30.